No words.

I complain about deployment a lot. I'm bitter because the only contact I have with Q is through the computer screen or a telephone. I whine because of the time difference. I cry because I have had 6 days of alone time with my husband the entire time we've been married. My heart breaks when I see couples out & about, facebook statuses about having someone to come home too when there's a cold empty side of my bed. I dream about his homecoming. I get butterflies just thinking about jumping into his arms while tears of happiness free fall down my face. Excitement sets in when I think of all the plans we have when he comes home; the date nights, late nights, pajama days, football season, beach lunches, weekend getaways, and maybe babies. Married life. I want to be "married".

The blogging world has given me a little insight into other military wives' lives and such. I follow a lot of military spouse bloggers. While randomly browsing blogs one day, I stumbled upon two particular blogs that absolutely crushed my heart to read. A Little Pink In A World of Camo & Letters to You. I hate using this term but these strong ladies are "war widows". Their husbands made the ultimate sacrifice. Letters to you, touched me. Most of Chrissy's blog posts are actual letters to her Marine. My heart broke a little more with every word I read. I could feel the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the grief.

& then I felt horrible.

Those plans Q & I, like so many other couples have, will never happen for these ladies. That homecoming they dreamed about consisted of them waiting at the end of a runway to see their husbands being carried off a plane with an American Flag draped over his casket. I miss my husband but they know what it's like to truly miss their husbands. My heart hurts that my husband is overseas. They hurt because their husbands have to live in their hearts.

This terrifies me. Although Q is relatively safe where he's at, that thought is still there. It may not be "bad" where he is, BUT we DID get attacked on our own soil 10 years ago. Mr. B, my family, and friends don't know this but about a month & half ago the door bell rang. I live out in the country so it's VERY rare that our door bell rings. My heart sank, my pulse began to race, I broke out in a sweat. I just knew that there would be a couple of Naval officers in crisp uniforms standing at my door. I walked slowly to the front door....it was the UPS guy. I cried & cried & cried & cried. That may sound silly but I was so convinced, for a split second, that something had happened to my sweet man.

I feel like I can never tell him I love him enough. I can't find the exact words to convey to him just how much I care about him.

Imagine what those women feel like....

I can't imagine it. I don't want to.

Being the wife of a service member is hard. It's grueling and although I've only been doing this for almost 5 months, sometimes it sucks the life out of me. Some of us get those glorified homecomings while others plan funerals & hang an American flag in a shadow box on the mantle.

The hurt I feel doesn't even come within reach of the earth shattering pain they have to live with everyday. If I were faced with that, I would have to wonder how the earth could keep spinning. There are no words....